Aligning personal boundaries (part 4)
Where are the lines?
Hej, welcome back! I assume you’ve seen the first parts of this mini-series on boundaries. In part 1, I talk about my approach of sounding out your personal boundaries from your own built-in warning system. Part 2 covers communicating boundaries, while part 3 is about respecting boundaries.
Ready to look at aligning boundaries?
When people meet – its highly likely that boundaries will meet, too. In a perfect world, they would slot together like puzzle pieces, I imagine. Unfortunately, the world is often less than perfect, and the automatic slotting will remain wishful thinking. Some careful alignment dances are probably necessary. So what does that mean?
I’ll always come back to the way we’ve defined boundaries initially: they are a means to making you (aka the person defining the boundary) feel safe. And by feeling safe, we certainly mean safe, and also calm, not stressed, not overwhelmed, not used etc. beyond the initial feeling safe. Which means there’s a reason a specific boundary has been set, and there’s a chance that it has more to do with the person setting it and their experiences than the person that feels kept out.
So you’re setting a boundary and you realise that maybe the other person is not that willing to accept it. Crap. Now what? Well, if it makes you feel safe (with all the meaning set above), why should you step back in the first place? Someone pushing back in your boundaries is mainly about them not feeling comfortable with whatever it is, not about you. True, they might phrase it as being about you and there’s a high chance this will happen. Keep in mind however, that this is likely manipulative behaviour, whether on purpose (I hope not) or inadvertently.
Other versions of manipulative behaviour are responses like “But why”, “please explain”, or “make me understand”. Also highly popular is the ever-present gaslighting, such as “You are wrong”, “that’s not the way you feel”, or other variations.
My only recommendation is: “NO” is a complete sentence. You do not need to explain. You are an adult among adults, and the only thing happening here is that you are not respected. Why should you accept that? Keep being firm and stick to your decision!
I once saw this statement by @thegoodquote on social media, and I could not agree more:
“The moment your gut says NO – it’s a NO.
You can unpack the details later.”
If you feel you need to do this – for whatever reason – go for it. And stick to it. It might take some time to understand why you feel that way, and it’s only fair that you get that time. Getting that time means that while you’re figuring it out, nobody is allowed to overstep your boundaries.
Let’s face it: aligning boundaries cannot be a compromise of “meeting in the middle”:
Considering the pic, there’s either the possibility for one or both persons feeling a whole lot uncomfortable in the overlapping area.
Or, assuming that they are in a mutually respectful relationship, they could start with respecting the other’s boundaries and both exclude the overlapping area. Meeting each other somewhere in between will only work with mutual trust, which is one or several steps further than mutual respect. And such trust needs to be earned. Both persons will need to feel safe in extending the boundaries, not only one of them. And in respectful relationships, the same rules apply that you can find in mountaineering:
It’s not the fastest person who sets the pace of a group but the slowest one - if you want to arrive at the summit (or whatever finish line you’ve set yourselves) safe and sound as a team without loosing anybody!
To sum it up: aligning boundaries needs communication and mutual respect first and foremost. Any “meeting in the middle” will have to develop as trust is earned and all parties feel safe in pushing boundaries.
“Safe travels!”
Here’s more on boundaries…
When people meet – it's highly likely that boundaries will meet, too. In a perfect world, they would slot together like puzzle pieces, I imagine. Unfortunately, the world is often less than perfect, and the automatic slotting will remain wishful thinking. Some careful alignment dances are probably necessary. So what does that mean?