Rethinking personal boundaries - an invitation (part 1)
How to communicate the “do not enter unbidden”?
Yep – you’re reading this correctly: I’m using boundaries and invitation in the same sentence J ! Want to have a look as to why? Let’s go!
There are often circumstances where the sheer mention of boundaries makes people think of fences, walls, moats…. Looking at it from the outside in, that’s understandable. Because the lack of visible boundaries is quickly interpreted as an open invitation to come in, at least in our cultural context. I mean, we are used to entering shops, businesses (some), malls, etc.
Now – quick question for you: will you walk into every house that’s not locked up tight? Probably not, am I right? (And if you’re saying yes, might I suggest seeking advice in trespassing?). I mean, you would at least look for any sign or variation of “come in”, wouldn’t you? And just like that we are looking at a potential source of misunderstanding: while the outsider might have interpreted the wide open door as “feel free to come in”, perhaps the insider was merely trying to get some air flowing through the house. Of course the insider decides, as it’s their house – yet, how was the person outside to know without communication? Common sense? Works only so far. Telepathic connection? I guess you see the issue at hand.
Why am I leading with this? I think it’s a valid illustration of personal boundaries as well. Imagine yourself being the person inside the open house. I mean, as long as you are not a hermit, it’s safe to assume that you have some window to the outside open, right? And I would bet that at some point or other in your life, people have “entered” there and you felt like they walked all over you and your feelings. Maybe they were true outsiders, maybe they were people who “should have known”.
The invitation I’m extending here is: let’s look at what boundaries are. How do you clarify them for yourself? That’s what you’ll find in this article.
The next ones will cover how you can make your boundaries known without offering them up for debate.
And lastly, if you’re on the outside: how to respect boundaries that have been set (you don’t have to like them, don’t worry).
Now – what are boundaries? Personal boundaries? I guess we’ve established that they are not walls, hedges, fences, or moats, that keep everybody out at the same perimeter.
Instead your personal boundaries are as individual as you are. I mean, yes, some might also be manifested in laws or rules, and yet, the starting point in your personal circle is you: What do you need to feel safe? It’s as simple as that, and they don’t need explanations or apologies or even justifications either. And they don’t actually start out with other people, they originate from you. Boundaries might address specific other people if needed. And your boundaries might be different for different people. Why is that?
Some of them might be obvious, of some, you’re maybe vaguely aware and some will need a bit more digging. How do you do that?
The great thing is that we have an inbuilt compass or warning system: our personal level of comfort or rather discomfort in situations when our boundaries were overstepped. It’s in situations where we feel overwhelmed, and disturbed, or even overlooked, when we feel someone is using us, our manpower, ideas, empathy… against our specific will, when we do things that we didn’t necessarily want to do that there’s a clear indication that a boundary has been overstepped.
Boundaries may vary, be it money, time, physical ones, emotional ones, or your ideas and intellectual property. Feeling unsafe in a situation is the starting point to then think about which dimension it is. Sometimes it’s obvious, sometimes it may not be, for various reasons.
Here’s an example: At the beginning of my career I was working in an environment were regular (weekly) team dinners were both an incentive, and more or less a requirement. And with each week I was less eager to go. Being an introvert, I thought (and argued) that I wasn’t feeling up to it, needed some alone time end so on. However, even with skipping some, I felt less and less comfortable going. So clearly, it was not really an issue of a boundary on me-time. Until I realised that I my teams were all-male with male bosses, and with alcohol and evenings progressing, the sexist and misogynist content was on the rise. So stating boundaries on me-time did not serve me, because I was developing and communicating something that was more of a pre-text than anything else.
It might have been obvious from the beginning to some of you. Here’s the thing, though: I grew up with predominantly male families, school and activities - I didn’t have a strong point of reference to start with. And some of you might have blurred starting points for other topics. We all have the internal alert system, though. and it does pay off to start digging when the alert comes through.
Now, there is no instant happy ending. We did not miraculously turn into the best team ever like certain movie franchises would suggest. However, knowing the issue, I was able to word what was really bothering me – first to myself and then figuring out to communicate.
And that’s what leads us to the next part: how to communicate so as to not invite (unnecessary) discussions.
Hang on and talk soon!
Here’s more on boundaries…
When people meet – it's highly likely that boundaries will meet, too. In a perfect world, they would slot together like puzzle pieces, I imagine. Unfortunately, the world is often less than perfect, and the automatic slotting will remain wishful thinking. Some careful alignment dances are probably necessary. So what does that mean?