Forgiveness – does it NEED to be given?
Forgiveness is a private gift to be given voluntarily
A question that seems to come up quite often in coachings that touch on non-positive relationships is – is there a right to forgiveness? Or even an automatic feel-better guarantee for all parties?
Social media seem to suggest that forgiving the person who hurt you is the save-all and comes with an automated feel-better-instantly guarantee. So what about it?
Want to have a look around? - here we go:
There’s the concept of forgiveness: looking at it from a purely psychological perspective (without the religious connotations that it’s so often associated with), it’s a conscious decision of letting go of resentment or bitterness. It does not imply letting go of the underlying issue, glossing over it, or even reconciling with person who hurt you.
Essentially, forgiveness is an internal, a solo or private process.
The public or interacting part of that would be reconciliation: it’s the communication with the person who hurt you about your feelings and their remorse (hopefully) to (re-) establish trust and find common ground. It goes beyond the solo part of forgiveness.
And there’s what I call “living with it”. One major part of reconciliation is trust. Now it’s obvious that we don’t trust everybody in our life, and in fact it’s wise to not do so. So if you find that you can’t trust any more, well, there needs to be another way forward but reconciliation.
Let’s take one step back for a second, though.
Is forgiveness always necessary or even wise? I do see the benefits that have been proven in scientific research. And yet – I don’t always advocate for it.
Why?
I like comparing it to a gift: again, contrary to common culture maybe, gifts are not necessarily earned, they don’t have a right to your gift. A present is usually given voluntarily. Same with forgiveness.
Regarding forgiveness, I tend to ask a question like: do you want to gift that person your forgiveness? And from there, we’ll explore. Typically, there are roughly two scenarios that will evolve:
One – the hurt was a one-time thing, the regret seems genuine and you can see a way forward, there’s a possibility for trust and you don’t expect to be hurt similarly again. In short – it’s a situation, where you can see forgiveness. From there, there’s the question if you want to communicate this (remember it’s first and foremost the internal process of letting go of resentment) and how you want to move on. Maybe reconciliation? Or just letting go.
Two – and that seems to be more common in toxic situations: you’ve experienced this (or very similar things) before. Which is not surprising, given that you feel the situation is toxic. Given that history, you expect or fear to be hurt again and again and again. In fact, forgiving might make you feel like it’s taking away from your agency.
In that case, I would not explore forgiving at all. My guideline is what will empower you more or better. And if forgiving makes you feel less than – well, no. Don’t go there, regardless of what the feel-good advisors on social media might say.
If that’s the case, how do you move forward?
First of all, there’s no reason to communicate forgiveness or the lack thereof. Secondly, even in case of forgiveness, there is no need to act further. Forgiveness does not automatically trigger reconciliation!
So moving forward actually begs the question: is there any reason to communicate anything?
Is there any important reason for further contact and if yes: How can you shape said contact?
Coming from a different perspective: we all have people on the periphery of our lives that are not the inner circle, have not really earned our trust (yet). What is keeping you from shaping the future interactions with the person who hurt you along those lines?
And please let me just say: as long as you have agency in any given situation, you have the power to shape the interactions – to the point of cutting them off! Sometimes that’s better than repeated and fraught contact with the people you had to learn not to trust!
Quick recap:
Forgiveness is a voluntary gift that should empower you – if not go for the more empowering option(s)!
Reconciliation is an option – as is stepping away!
Keep strong!
Here’s more on toxic behaviour…
I totally get how paying a compliment will make us feel better – us as the ones paying the compliment. And I also get how the assumption comes about that the recipient will feel better, too. After all, we are full of good intentions – and intend to “spread the love and positivity”.
How do we make sure that the recipient will indeed feel the love - and not resentment, anger or worse? Let's find out!