How do you deal with warped advice?
How do you determine whether it’s real?
A lot of people are rather free with their “advice”. And I am using this term very loosely. What is being called “advice” is more often than not a poor disguise for feedback which is a poor disguise for judgement. So personally, I tend to be cautious when I am offered advice. Even more so when it is being offered unprompted and unwanted.
So let’s start with that little titbit: there are a lot of images and recommendations out there on how to view unsolicited feedback as a buffet of running sushi where you only pick out a few pieces, and (gracefully) pass the majority.
I don’t think that that’s a bad metaphor, on the contrary. It works really well when you know what you want, or what you are looking for. My question is – how do I do that? Choosing?
Let’s start in a healthy environment. I was tempted to say perfect, yet let’s face it – there is no such thing. So healthy it is. How I describe healthy? An environment that’s well-meaning and where you trust the people you encounter. In such an environment you could probably assume that the feedback you get – even if you didn’t ask for it – holds a kernel of truth and is aimed at supporting you.
In this case, your choice would be about determining IF you want to change something and prioritising the topics. Choose topics that you feel comfortable with in that you might like the intended result (change doesn’t need to be comfortable per se!). And maybe communicate those choices if needed (aka if there’s a risk that people might be disappointed if you don’t choose their feedback first).
So what then is the difference to a not healthy environment? My take: one: its highly likely that the percentage of unsolicited feedback increases. And two: the level of trust you place in the others is less. Well, darn, more work on two levels, right? More as in the sheer number and more as in apparently, you need a filter before being able to make your choice.
Personally, I’d recommend focussing on filtering (because that will probably reduce amount of feedback to consider, too): Filter number one: do you trust that person who is giving the feedback inherently?
If yes, great, slot it into the bucket where you choose from. Please keep in mind: that does NOT mean you have to work on the advice they are giving you, from here on out it’s the same process as in a healthy environment: your life, your choice, your communication.
If you don’t trust the person with the feedback inherently, there are some more questions you can ask yourself: do they benefit from you changing anything – professionally, financially, or even does it make their life easier? If yes: Do YOU benefit in any capacity? And do you WANT them to benefit? If NOT: let the feedback pass without action. If yes, you may consider it a potential choice. And again keep in mind: will you be comfortable with the intended outcome?
One more “filter” - do you want feedback from these people at all? It is absolutely your right to set boundaries, and I will get to that in a separate blog article.
In an ideal world, we’d always be able to choose our healthy environment (and please note, that will vary for everyone!). We can’t always do so, so some self-protection mechanisms are very healthy, too!
Unfortunately, there are environments that are not only unhealthy but downright toxic to a lot of people. There are a lot of definitions out there, and I don’t want to rehash them, but focus on one facet here: the advice / feedback side of things.
I’d say that these situations teem with unsolicited advice. Advice that is mostly based on judgement and dominated by one person (or a very small group of persons). Typically, that person (or group of persons – I’ll go with one for simplicity’s sake) will a. need you to achieve their own goals and b. benefit from you acting a very specific way. To be able to do so, they will try to gain your trust first and then ensure your cooperation through warped advice and feedback. I’m calling it warped because it’s mainly geared back towards them and not towards your own benefit. This will work best if you are depending on them in any way, either financially or emotionally, and a level of trust is implicit in the relationship, so workplaces, romantic relationships, tight friendships etc are ideal starting points. One common trait in their advice is that while it does contain positive feedback, there is also a clear element of “if you would do more, I would be more pleased”. Want some real life examples?:
“You are an excellent worker, top tier, outstanding results, especially considering your tenure – however, to be considered for the next step, you’d need to put in some more effort. We will re-evaluate in a few months”. A few months later – same difference. Clearly the company /the manager benefits from more and harder excellent work and has no interest in changing the situation (a aise, a promotion, etc).
“I really like your new haircut – yet somehow, the previous version was more feminine”. Assuming you want to please the person, you’ll strive to be more gender conforming in whatever capacity in that context. Achievement unlocked.
So how do you deal with such warped advice? The devious thing is the underlying scheming and the underlying threat: The threat is clear: as soon as you are of no more use to the individual in question, you are out. In case of a financial dependency, that needs to be taken into consideration in your approach.
The scheming is intended to make you not realise what is happening and not trust your instinct any more. Therefore the first step: if you have a doubt, listen closely: what is the person saying, how are they acting? Who is actually benefitting from you conforming to the feedback. If you feel that you are benefitting too – is it a real benefit or just the absence of aggravation? The latter is certainly beneficial – short term. If you were not in that situation, would you still benefit?
Step two: Decide for yourself how much that absence of annoyance is worth to you – how much do you need to conform and how much can you (safely) ignore? Is there a possibility to achieve the same level of calm by removing yourself from the situation – aka looking for a new job, quietly quitting a friendship, choosing another gym, etc.
Please note that all of this advice pertains to non-dangerous situations - if you think you are in danger, please reach out to law enforcement or support groups!
Here’s more on Toxic Behaviour…
I totally get how paying a compliment will make us feel better – us as the ones paying the compliment. And I also get how the assumption comes about that the recipient will feel better, too. After all, we are full of good intentions – and intend to “spread the love and positivity”.
How do we make sure that the recipient will indeed feel the love - and not resentment, anger or worse? Let's find out!