Notorious non-apologies and what they have in common
Being subdued by the apology
I assume we’ve all been on the receiving end of one too many of the so-called apologies that actually made us feel less than better. Sometimes they’re just a tiny nuisance, easy to overlook. And sometimes, they do feel like the symptom of a bigger issue. This is especially prevalent in situations that appear toxic to begin with, and the so-called apologies just seem to deepen and emphasize the issue.
So let’s have a look at some examples, what they are, what they have in common, how they make us feel, and how we may deal with them – or not if we prefer.
“I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings”
Ugh – that’s so not an apology: It’s a qualifier – it reads: *If I hurt your feelings, I’m sorry, if not, then not. And by the way, shame on you for not having your feelings under control. Really. If you had, I wouldn’t have needed to be sorry.*
OK, that’s maybe slightly exaggerated to make my point. Which is that the responsibility is elegantly diverted back to the recipient, away from the acting person. Which won’t do! At all!
“I didn’t mean it that way!”
Now that’s a funny way to apologize: I’d suggest a course on communication. How am I to know how you meant it – I only heard you say it, and I know it hurt. It obviously puts the blame on the recipient, too.
“I’m sorry, but [insert whatever random explanation]”
The insert says it all: at most it’s an explanation, it’s not an apology. Ultimately, I don’t care if you had a shitty day (although, if I like you, I WILL feel with you, I promise). Your shitty day does not translate into passing that on to me through your shitty behaviour, though. It just won’t do, either.
“I’m sooooooooo sorry, you can’t imagine how baaaaaaaad I’m feeling right now. I thought for sure that something was broken permanently in our relationship. Really, if only you could feel what I’m feeling right now…..”
Two words: Crocodile tears. THEIR crocodile tears. No word about how the recipient is the person that was hurt (by the acting person) in the first place. In fact, the recipent’s feelings get totally overwhelmed and overshadowed by the crocodile tears.
And I’m sure there are way more examples out there for these non-apologies. Let’s have a look at what they have in common though:
They subtly and implicitly push responsibility away from the acting person, either to unknown third parties, or as in the first example, even worse, the recipient themselves.
And the attract all sympathy points away from the recipient, who (as a reminder) was the ORIGINAL person HURT in these scenarios, and back to the acting person.
These are NOT signs of a (heartfelt) apology. Neither are they signs of a healthy relationship. It seems to be another sign of self-centred behaviour at best.
As a quick aside: what do I expect in an apology (because I think they are the three factors in a real one):
- Regret
- Responsibility
- Remorse.
The acting person is regretting their behaviour, they see that they are the problem, and they do show explicitly that and how they will avoid this in the future.
None of that is even remotely visible in the three examples.
So what do we do if one of those examples above are presented to us?
I’d like to start with a quick clarification first, because it does so often come up in those discussions: what about forgiveness? In my opinion, forgiveness is a purely private and internal concept that never needs to be voiced to another party. I mean, you can if you want to, you just don’t have to. If I am asked for it, I usually don’t answer or say something to the effect that that’s a private matter that I will have to think about in peace. Alone.
The external aka relationship part is reconciliation. And that’s purely up to you. And I’d like to give you a few thoughts though on moving forward:
As established, all those non-apologies are signs of something not going well (at best).
Personally, I avoid messages like “it’s okay” or “it’s all good”. I mean, clearly, its not. And by sending that message, we are actually saying that we are ok with the way we were treated. In which case we can expect more of that kind of hurt in the future. Been there, done that.
Now, I know that there are situations where we can’t or don’t want to really talk about how we feel, and that’s alright. In those situations, saying nothing is always an option, too. We don’t need to acknowledge that other person’s demand that we say something, or forgive them, or move along. Not engaging may be a way to protect ourselves as best as possible as long as we can’t escape the situation.
If that means not accepting or even acknowledging the (shoddy) apology – so be it.
Keep strong!
Here’s more on toxic behaviour…
I totally get how paying a compliment will make us feel better – us as the ones paying the compliment. And I also get how the assumption comes about that the recipient will feel better, too. After all, we are full of good intentions – and intend to “spread the love and positivity”.
How do we make sure that the recipient will indeed feel the love - and not resentment, anger or worse? Let's find out!