On giving (sparkling) compliments
Let's work on giving sparkling compliments.
The other day, we were chatting about giving compliments. And everyone agreed that they love paying compliments. Now – the question that came up was:
Does everyone who receives compliments love it just as much? Opinions were a bit of a mixed bag, which led us to the next question:
Is it actually a good and or permissible thing to do – paying unsolicited compliments – especially to people you may not know (in depth or at all)?
At the time, my gut feeling was actually rather uneasy. In the chat, I kind of gave up (yep, it happens) and shut up, also because I felt a bit steamrolled by the “everyone loves it”-fraction. And I decided to dig a bit deeper. So here we are with a blog article. Buckle up, it’s a bit on the longer side..
If you want to jump straight to the recommendations: here you go.
Let’s start with this: I totally get how paying a compliment will make us feel better – us as the ones paying the compliment. And I also get how the assumption comes about that the recipient will feel better, too. After all, we are full of good intentions – and intend to “spread the love and positivity”.
As is often the case, the world isn’t just black and white. And the situation isn’t quite as easy as it seems. Let’s look at a couple of aspects here.
How neutral was the statement?
How well do you now the person?
Which situation might the recipient be in?
Bear with me – it IS entirely possible to pay a neutral and positive compliment with just a minimum of effort on our side.
Taking this statement I’ll start with “neutral”. And maybe take a step back and look at what a compliment is and what it is not. or at least shouldn’t be. For most, the intention is making the recipient feel good, or at least better. So I'm just putting it out there:
The compliment is about the recipient!
Us feeling good about it because we are “spreading the love” is a nice enough side effect.
With this in mind, what is likely making another person feel good? I’ll assume that a judgement free zone is likely to do just that.
A second thought to keep in mind is that a compliment does imply feedback. No matter how we turn it, it is. As we probably all experienced, unsolicited feedback can be a minefield. And usually, I do not recommend giving such unsolicited feedback. However, I also do believe in spreading the love, so here we are:
Making unsolicited feedback palatable and enjoyable.
Now that we have this connection, I suggest that the usual guidelines for giving feedback do apply in general, and especially one in particular (and this goes hand in hand with my previous point of the judgement-free zone): instead of giving general statements, make it obvious that is is YOUR OPINION! Here’s an example:
“You are looking good in this dress/garment” is a general statement and implies it’s also possible to look bad in it (and nobody wants that). It’s rather difficult to disregard, too.
“I like this dress / garment (on you – optional)” is specifically stating your opinion on this dress. It’s also easy to let pass by for whatever reason.
So this will lead us to the next item: How well do you know this person?
Let’s start with the obvious: If you do not know the person at all, you also don’t know how they feel about feedback or react to it. Nothing about the mood they’re in. Chances are high that unsolicited feedback is not received well in general, so it will pay off to proceed with caution.
On the other end of the spectrum: if you do know a person well, you might be tempted to work with assumption, Such as “they’ve never said anything” or “I know they’re not easily triggered” etc. This is your gentle reminder that unless a person has specifically told you all this, you do not know – you think you know. Too much familiarity has the potential to hurt, too.
Which in fact leads to the third aspect: The situation or the state of mind the recipient is in. If I feel crap for whatever reason, do we really think a “you’re looking good” will change that? Worst case, it will lead to a further spiral such as “crap, they don’t even see how much I hate today (or my job, or the situation, or even the dress!)”. So maybe they will smile for the sake of keeping the peace (best case!) or being polite. Which is especially a thing for female-educated/groomed persons.
Just one more reason for staying firmly in the judgement-free zone.
My recommendations for paying sparkling compliments
Having said all that: What would be my recommendations if you’re bursting at the seams with the need to pay a compliment:
Proceed with caution! It’s not worth it making another person feel worse so you’ll feel better.
Ask – same as with feedback, especially if it’s a stranger. Same as with feedback, ask if you may pay a compliment. If you feel absolutely ridiculous doing it (it’s not, trust me):
Firmly stay away from general statements and leave any judgment at the door: “I like your hair/earrings/dress etc.” This will still give the recipient to actually NOT like the item. Because:
You can’t expect the recipient to agree with you. So don’t!
Here’s more on behaviour…
I totally get how paying a compliment will make us feel better – us as the ones paying the compliment. And I also get how the assumption comes about that the recipient will feel better, too. After all, we are full of good intentions – and intend to “spread the love and positivity”.
How do we make sure that the recipient will indeed feel the love - and not resentment, anger or worse? Let's find out!