Respecting boundaries (part 3)
Even if the other side looks so good
Hej, welcome back! I assume you’ve seen part 1 and part 2 of this mini-series on boundaries. In Part 1 I talk about my approach of sounding out your personal boundaries from your own built-in warning system. In case you haven’t or it’s been a while – you can find it here. Part 2 covers communicating boundaries and can be found here.
The thing with boundaries is – there’s always the other side of the coin. Someone communicates THEIR boundaries and suddenly you find yourself on the side of them that smarts. AKA the outside. So now what?
First of all – deep breaths (often recommended anyways 😉)
Then: someone showing you a boundary does not necessarily have anything to do with you. It’s safe to assume that this is about them feeling safe in the first place. The same thing you are claiming for yourself, too. And since none of us are an island, there’s bound to be some boundaries coming up in life.
Even if you have a (sneaking) suspicion that the boundary in question does actually apply especially to you – here’s a thought: a lot of us are being triggered by seemingly innocent behaviour just because we have a past. And none of us like being triggered so we tend to put up a “do not pass this line”-sign right there.
Yes, that might feel unfair to you and you might have a (strong or not) inclination to argue. I totally get that. Imagine though, how you would feel when you put up that boundary and someone else immediately starts debating it. It’s a clear sign that the person doing the arguing thinks they know better. Now the question is – do you? Do you really know better?
Assuming you care about the other person, and assuming that that other person probably had a hard time coming to and communicating the boundary in question – might it not be better to show that you care and that you respect that boundary – even if you don’t understand it (yet)?
How do you show understanding and respect? To start with, by using your words: reacting with “thank you for telling me” and / or “I will do my best to [avoid that from now on / not overstep / etc.]” will go a long way of easing the other person.
At the same time, it’s a valid reaction wanting to understand why the boundary went up and whether you contributed to that. Just maybe do not lead with that. If you do want to know, why not wait for a calm moment and lead with “will you help me understand?”. I’d assume that as long as you go into that discussion with an open mind and not necessarily vibrating with the need to “correct” or adjust that boundary, I could well imagine that you will be fine.
If however – and I cannot imagine that any reader of my blog should be so inclined – you are intent of finding the loopholes and workarounds? It’s a safe bet that instead of the other person lowering their guard you will find them in a state of red alert with all bridges drawn up.
Why? Well, going back to our initial starting point of boundaries: Boundaries are defined by what you need to feel safe.
Such a sense of safety is being enhanced when finding that people respect the boundaries. Finding loopholes and workarounds on the other hand threatens the safety someone is trying to establish. The logical next step is then enforcing the boundaries, until everyone is then sitting there in our little castles poised for defending our space.
Does this mean we have to like the boundaries that might pop up in personal interactions? Of course not! The bigger question though, is: do you like the person? And if you do – I’m sure you’ll find it in you to make them feel safe. And that’s what respecting boundaries is all about.
Interested in more? There’ll be a final part on finding common ground – stay tuned! And feel safe!
Here’s more on boundaries…
When people meet – it's highly likely that boundaries will meet, too. In a perfect world, they would slot together like puzzle pieces, I imagine. Unfortunately, the world is often less than perfect, and the automatic slotting will remain wishful thinking. Some careful alignment dances are probably necessary. So what does that mean?