Help - is this person a narcissist?
Charming, controlling, in the spotlight - and feels slightly off?
So there’s this person in your life. A co-worker, a neighbour, someone at your gym, someone in your family, a person you’re close to. And something about the way they interact with you feels – off.
Everything in their world feels black and white: good or bad, right or wrong, there is not much in between. And the person we are talking about is the most everything: the most competent, the most right. As an aside, they can also be the most ill, or the most wronged by everybody else. Whatever is the most anything.
Whatever you say is probably always turned around and trumped right there and then. Pretty frustrating. I get it!
Maybe you feel that there is not much light left for you, as the spotlight of attention is always diverted to that person. In fact, that person can be quite charming to achieve what they want. Sometimes they want something from you. And sometimes what they want is just throw some fog and sprinkles to blur the boundaries they are crossing.
Maybe that charm also feels a bit controlling. At the same time, they are never to blame if something goes wrong. Or you feel like you are always giving emotionally while never receiving anything in return.
This is by no means a complete list of things that might feel off, and it’s also not a diagnostic tool. We don’t need that.
You feel something is off, and you want that to stop. That’s enough to have a look at the situation. We’re not here to help that person, we’re here to redefine the interaction for you. And if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it might be a duck. Aka you might be talking about a person with toxic behaviour.
The most important premise in any change is that you can’t make the other person change. You can (only) change the way you react and interact. And while there’s the word “only” in that sentence, that’s a major step. Now this is always true in any situation, and even more so with people who tend to be self-centred and toxic.
So what can you do? First and foremost be aware that any “normal” way of interaction will fall flat. Save your energy! Explaining things, appealing to logic, stating your needs, whatever you’d normally do can be exhausting (for you) and will likely just get you nowhere.
Find a person to talk to. Preferably outside that situation. And while you do that: you are not a victim in this scenario! It’s often just a small step to victim blaming and that is just plain offensive – to you. You just happened to be the addressee of that behaviour and you are not to blame.
So find a person, hopefully someone with some experience in the area who will help you feel strong and active. Start maybe with sorting out the relationship to that person: are you financially dependent? Emotionally dependent? How does the person benefit from you? All of this will help finding a good way of removing yourself from the situation, physically and / or emotionally, as. needed.
And remember – anybody can find themselves in such situation, it’s not a sign of your own strength or weakness.
Stay strong!
Here’s more on toxic behaviour…
I totally get how paying a compliment will make us feel better – us as the ones paying the compliment. And I also get how the assumption comes about that the recipient will feel better, too. After all, we are full of good intentions – and intend to “spread the love and positivity”.
How do we make sure that the recipient will indeed feel the love - and not resentment, anger or worse? Let's find out!