So how does this change thing work?
Sometimes we change and then the rest of the world happens…
So how does this change thing work?
True story. One day a client actually asked me exactly that question. “I’m here for change, but how on earth does this work exactly?”
And it’s a perfectly valid question. Because we do not need to know all the things we wish for right from the start. If we did, we’d be perfectly programmed machines right from the start without any need to learn.
And that’s actually our first clue: one aspect of change is about learning. There are various learning models out there, and I’ll cover my favourite one in a later blog post. For now, let’s keep in mind that we might have to learn something new on order to make change work.
Learning something new also implies that there might be things to let go of. Sometimes that’s a happy thing like finally throwing out all the ugly china that has been gathering dust. And sometimes that hurts – letting go of things that you ‘ve been looking at fondly. Like that sweater that might be a bit too shabby now, but holds so many memories. So change is also associated with grief and all it’s stages.
Sometimes it’s you who actively goes for change (a new job, a new look, a new house). And sometimes change comes without our bidding (cue a pandemic). The hurt and grief is probably stronger in the second case, yet there’s no reason why the first case cannot hurt too. I mean, it IS possible to wish for a separation and still hurt.
First and foremost, what you need for active change are resources, especially emotional ones. When you’re the one initiating and pursuing the change – I do admire your courage. It takes a lot to make that first step!
It also does not hurt to dream from time to time: what would it look like and how would you feel if you already had achieved what you want? Envision it, taste it, smell it, hear it, feel it! It’s that dream that will keep you going in tougher spots. You want to sit on that veranda and look out over the lake? How does it feel? Then hold on to that feeling.
Be creative: what can you do to make this dream happen. If you don’t know everything yourself – who can help you?
Map out those steps and see what you can do. And be generous with yourself when it’s not immediately going as planned. Sometimes it takes several attempts to learn. Sometimes the rest of the world interferes. And sometimes, there’s Murphy’s Law. We adapt.
Here’s more on change and behaviour…
I totally get how paying a compliment will make us feel better – us as the ones paying the compliment. And I also get how the assumption comes about that the recipient will feel better, too. After all, we are full of good intentions – and intend to “spread the love and positivity”.
How do we make sure that the recipient will indeed feel the love - and not resentment, anger or worse? Let's find out!