They didn’t mean that - or did they?
When empathy is freezing cold
“But they didn’t mean it that” – hands down one of the most frustrating reactions by third parties when you are struggling with what feels very toxic to you. I don’t blame you if you want to scream full toddler style a variation of “I don’t care, this is about me”. In fact, I applaud you for finding that sentiment and letting it surface. Because one of the strongest side effect of the “surely they didn’t mean it”-treatment is the immediate onset of self doubt: someone thinks I should show more compassion – maybe I should? Erm, nope! Nopety nope. Let’ have a look and decide.
What is happening? Let’s assume you vented about a situation that you haven’t experienced for the first or second or third, but the umpteenth time to a person you trusted. And what you get is “I’m sure they didn’t mean that”. So what does this mean?
First of all, this is saying more the beliefs and values of the speaker than about those of the person you were venting about or even yours. Maybe it surpasses their experiences and as such it’s difficult to digest. However, you are close to them to have vented and you trust them. For them not to put the same trust and belief in you probably feels like a betrayal. And you have every right to feel that way.
Secondly, that sentence “I’m sure they didn’t mean that” is nothing but an explanation if it were really true. This is about communication and in every communication there’s a sender and an addressee. So it obviously can’t just be about the sender, for one. And then, even if the explanation is true, and they didn’t mean it – what you are YOU supposed to do with that knowledge? Because that’s why you vented in the first place, right? Forgive and forget? Typically I’d assume you can’t really forget it, because you’re hurt. I mean – you vented, didn’t you? That’s usually not a sign of rosy ever-afters. And an explanation is no indication that things will change in the future, which you’d probably like to see. By the way, that’s also my personal differentiation between an explanation and an excuse: the later gives a plausible and believable indication that things are going to change.
Which leads me to my third point. I assume, since you are frustrated enough to have vented, that this is really the umpteenth time this has happened. I’ll also go out on a limb and say that you voiced your frustration / hurt / expectations. It doesn’t matter how clear that was, I’ll assume you didn’t just smile prettily. So what we have is a situation where somebody has had ample opportunity to realise that something was not going well, and – didn’t do anything or at least not enough.
And last, since we don’t typically stick in situations that leave us completely dissatisfied and frustrated – I’ll also assume that you feel stuck. Maybe you’ve tried things, said things, changed your behaviour, and – nothing.
And then you hear that petty little sentence and start doubting yourself. Maybe you also heard that (from me or another coach) that you can’t change the other person, you can only change yourself. And that petty little sentence seems to confirm that sentiment. Don’t!
Stop. I does NOT do that. Changing yourself does not imply turning yourself inside out at the detriment of your own wellbeing. I cannot stress this enough. Unless you are going for a martyrdom award, it does not mean enduring at all cost. It can also mean leaving the situation completely. Changing your job, apartment, or leaving a relationship.
It does sound drastic, and we always hope for the better. So let me come back to my third point: if you made your frustration known – repeatedly – and nothing changes to the better for you, this leaves you with one possibility only. Namely that the person we are talking about and that is hurting you (because all that frustration does hurt, doesn’t it) does NOT care enough to really change something. And to be honest, having tried and failing without trying further or different things, is just another expression of not caring enough.
It does not matter if they mean it or not. It’s their actions that are speaking the loudest!
So what do you do? Because if you feel stuck and vented, you probably also realized that all your known tools are falling short. This is where I recommend finding someone with experience not just in “simple change” (and believe me when I say change is not really simple), but in changing complicated, even toxic situations.
Find a person who takes your side. Someone who believes in you and your power and ability to change things for you!
Drop me line if you think I might be that person! I’d be honoured. Wishing you power, and perseverance, and happier times at the horizon!
PS Ditch that person you were talking to in the first place. Sorry you had to deal with that!
Here’s more on toxic situations…
I totally get how paying a compliment will make us feel better – us as the ones paying the compliment. And I also get how the assumption comes about that the recipient will feel better, too. After all, we are full of good intentions – and intend to “spread the love and positivity”.
How do we make sure that the recipient will indeed feel the love - and not resentment, anger or worse? Let's find out!