On the impact of narcissists
Let’s stop blaming the persons confronted with toxic behaviour
Lately I have seen “toxic” or “narcissist” behaviour being called out which has then been turned around on those doing so. They have then been schooled on terms, medical definitions and the exclusivity of clinicians on diagnoses. All of which may be right and still feels like not relevant to the original topic.
I feel the focus here is off. Behaviour that might be viewed as narcissist or toxic is impacting other people. And this impact can feel toxic for the person who is subjected to it. As well as the language that such a person is a “victim”. With all the implications including victim blaming.
Being confronted with toxic behaviour IS NOT being a victim
Let’s be clear: anybody can come across and be confronted with such behaviour – especially in a highly competitive environment such as some workplaces. Or the sports world. And it does not make you weak or unsuccessful when you are struggling with how to react.
Our usual patterns of behaviour just don’t work. It’s like being dropped into a foreign culture where you don’t understand a word and your non-verbal communications attempts are being perceived as aggressive. And suddenly you feel like Little Red Riding Hood meeting the Big Bad Wolf.
(Re-) Acting probably feels like a matter of survival in no time at all. So you muddle through somehow. Because it feels that time is in short supply. And I can say for myself – I am NEVER at my best when supremely stressed (sorry in advance if you ever have to witness that).
And while you freeze and curl in and try to hibernate, it’s highly likely that the other person will feed on exactly this behaviour.
Time to break the cycle and empower the people confronted by toxic behaviour!
Here’s more on change…
I totally get how paying a compliment will make us feel better – us as the ones paying the compliment. And I also get how the assumption comes about that the recipient will feel better, too. After all, we are full of good intentions – and intend to “spread the love and positivity”.
How do we make sure that the recipient will indeed feel the love - and not resentment, anger or worse? Let's find out!