40 ways of saying NO - Step 1
Some boundaries are very visible. Some are not. How to make yours clear.
A while ago, a gave the equivalent of a ted talk on saying “no”. While I’ll always advocate that “NO” is indeed a full sentence, it might be more your style (and it is often considered more polite, there’s that) to spend a few more words on your answers.
It was actually fun finding some examples for certain situations, so I challenged myself to flesh them out even more. Some sort of mini case-studies, if you will. What you’ll find in this series is the result of that. If you’re interested in the whole boundaries discussion, you will find them here.
Step 1 is a (re)-introduction and overview.
Step 2 is all about “Let’s go for a drink after work”.
Step 3 will be family-oriented (or not) with “Join the family for dinner (etc.) this weekend / holiday!”.
Step 4 will be about the free-riders (gimme-pigs) of this world: “Can you do/make this for me?”.
Step 5 will move to (persistent) clients and their requests.
Step 6 will move into an employment environment featuring a boss with additional, potentially over-the-top demands.
Step 7 will be about relationships and the demands our partners may put up.
Step 8 finally will be a wrap up.
As an aside – notice the arch spanning here? Errm. Maybe your difficulty scale is different, so feel free to jump around. There’ll be links in every article, or find the whole set here, including the previous basics.
Step 1: (re)-introduction and overview
“40 ways of saying NO” is actually variations of how you might want to communicate boundaries in the context of one specific situation. I’ve talked about both boundaries and communicating boundaries before on this blog.
So before we dive right in, I’d like to take up one aspect again from my previous discussion: In my experience this sort of communication has two major aspects: the clarity of your communication and the degree of nearness between you and the recipient.
Do you feel this, too?
Less clarity in communication the closer you are to the person?
Clarity is mainly language – how succinctly you communicate. Let’s take an example: you are invited to submit a bid for a project. The most unclear way of communicating is not answering at all. It leaves everything open to interpretation. The clearest form is actually “No”. In case there was any doubt – “NO” is a complete sentence. Just saying (it again).
The degree of nearness is basically the factor of whether you have any stakes in the other persons’ (emotional) response to your communication. In our example (submitting a bid): you don’t know the people and you don’t care – no nearness at all. On the other end of the spectrum would be a cluster of either chosen or biological family (or both). You care very much how they take your boundary of not bidding.
Additionally, it’s worthwhile to be clear on what you’re actually saying NO to: Let’s take an example: there’s an expectation out there that your work group will go out for drinks right after work. You’re hesitant. It helps immensely to be clear yourself on the WHY behind your hesitation – it does not need to be communicated (I repeat: NO is a full sentence), and yet it helps to visualise your boundaries: are you hesitant about the group or drinking alcohol? Are you short on time? Maybe your colleagues get “handsy” or sexist or “just” less agreeable outside of work? Maybe you don’t feel safe going home after?
All of these are legitimate concerns! And they might help shape your answer: No, I prefer keeping this relationship professionel. Or: No, today is not a good time for me. Or: No, to the alcohol, please do respect that. Or: I need more time to arrange safe transport home after.
The thing is, your answer might be accepted or discussed. And the probability for discussion increases if someone’s bullshit radar pings. Put differently: regardless of the brevity of your answer, your honesty will help and likely be appreciated. If you fake an answer, that might be an invitation for discussion.
So without further ado – here are three recommendations
#1 NO is always a complete sentence! You never have to say more than that if you do not want to.
#2 You are the most important person in this scenario – your answer should reflect what’s best for you! Incidentally, in a good team, that’s probably good for the team, too. If not, there’s probably more decisions to be made.
#3 Give as little or as much reasoning as you feel comfortable doing!
And with that, we’re ready to dive into
Step 2 which is in fact all about “Let’s go for a drink after work”
PS everything on boundaries is available here
Here’s more on boundaries
Let’s be honest: Nobody is going to give a medal either for NOT setting boundaries. It’s likely that while you revel in the feeling of being universally liked, people will subtly first and then not so secretly be walking all over your place. Ascertaining your place (in the world) aka setting boundaries means making the space for you and your personal development.
If you want to pursue the path of setting boundaries – how do you do it?