40 ways of saying NO - Step 7 (the relationship): “No, this does not feel all right to me.”
Relationships rarely run like clockwork …
Did you spot it? The introductory title here is different. Because there’s a gazillion things that might bother you, and it’s not really about those things, but about how you set the boundary. We are approaching the high art for boundary setting here.
Today’s example is saying NO to a person you’re emotionally involved with, for example your partner – it’s not about saying no to the relationship. It’s a tiny but important distinction to make.
Let me start with a few preliminaries – I AM talking about adult relationships. While boundaries certainly apply to children and education, this is not the topic here.
In whatever relationship it is absolutely okay to set boundaries and it is absolutely not okay if or when you feel they’re being violated. Boundaries do not harm a healthy relationship, on the contrary. If you feel that they do – maybe reconsider the relationship, not the boundaries.
Having said that: why are you in this relationship / with this partner? And do you feel this relationship has a future? Boundaries will be (hard) work – it’s all right to consider if you really want to invest time and emotional labour into this.
If you feel it’s worth it – have you addressed this topic before? Has it been ignored? Where you clear in your communication? If yes – see above.
If it’s the first time – be gentle AND be firm and clear. You’re both adults. It’s normal to be concerned about how this feels for the other person. Still, in a relationship between adults, it’s up to them and not on you to regulate their response and emotions.
Generally speaking, I recommend refraining from if-then sentences, as they put you on the spot as well. And, they usually imply a position of power over the other person, aka put them in defence right from the start. You want them to be open-minded: State your boundary and take it from there.
So let’s take a few examples:
I prefer staying home this evening / weekend – I need time to recharge.
In terms of NO this is semi-clear, you do state your needs, yet it’s worded in a preference (only). Be prepared for some cajoling to get you out. A clear NO to going out would be: “I’m staying in”.
I really need to see something different, get inspiration, meet people – I don’t want to stay in.
It’s similar to the above, with a slightly clearer NO. Consider making a suggestion where you might get your inspiration. Maybe that’s motivating to the other person, too.
I’m not cleaning up your stuff.
It’s pretty clear and at the same time the stuff will stay. Be prepared to step over it… Or voice an expectation of your own - yes, those are in fact boundaries, too!
I’m vetoing doing all the household chores – let’s either split and be accountable for our part or pay a cleaning service. I prefer [the former/latter]
That’s a clear no and your wishes are out there.
I cannot tolerate you being derogatory towards my job/hobbies/friends/etc.
Well. That is a no and at the same time, what do you need? What do you expect from your partner? It’s a bit like going to are restaurant and when it’s time to order food, you just say “I don’t want a salad”. What do you want then?
Would you like your partner involved in everything. Should they stay out of everything? Support you? be neutral? Some indications might be helpful. Helpful either to them in changing their behaviour or helpful to you in terms of more general questions (should you stay or should you go).
I fully understand your love for skiing vacations, and it’s not very high on my list of things.
Why don’t we go for a weekend of skiing together,
and then you get a full vacation with your friends while I go do my thing?
It’s a clear boundary, a need and a solution all rolled in one. Its ok to not be joined at the hip and have different preferences.
I don’t want to have children now. I don’t feel ready to provide for them.
Clear and concise. It could be a dealbreaker for the other person and that should be ok, too.
One thing that comes to mind is – setting boundaries might require compromise (read here for respecting boundaries). And compromise is never about sacrifice, whereas someone constantly abandoning their boundaries is sacrifice and not a compromise.
Let me know what you think in the comments below!
PS Everything on boundaries can be found here
Here’s more on boundaries
Let’s be honest: Nobody is going to give a medal either for NOT setting boundaries. It’s likely that while you revel in the feeling of being universally liked, people will subtly first and then not so secretly be walking all over your place. Ascertaining your place (in the world) aka setting boundaries means making the space for you and your personal development.
If you want to pursue the path of setting boundaries – how do you do it?