40 ways of saying NO - Step 3: “Join the family for dinner (etc.) this weekend / holiday”
The setting might look nice - does it feel nice? No? Say NO!
This is a scenario that does apply for all types of families: Bio families, found ones, the ones by marriage, or step-families. Personally, I have found that there is a direct link between the degree to which you feel being forced into anything and the necessity of having to find a way of saying NO.
Having said that, my main and initial question would be: do you ever want to there, or are the dynamics of that group just too unbearable (which is probably less likely in a found family situation). If it is (always) too unbearable, it does change the situation inasmuch, as you have less or no need for leaving open a backdoor on your NO. No can be a more once-and-for-all no, and your communication can be way more succinct – even if still appreciative if you are so inclined.
And with that – let’s just dive into potential answers:
NO
Still an obvious answer (because we’re talking about saying no…) – and still a full sentence.
I’m unavailable.
It’s somewhat less all-encompassing, yet still rather distinctive. It might invite follow-up questions as to why, or what might be more important than family or whether there’s a possibility to reschedule.
I really appreciate you – and I need that time to recharge my batteries.
It’s appreciative and it’s setting a boundary. Family might be important and at the same time, you and your needs are more important. None of us can help, support, or enjoy when we’re drained of energy.
Having said that: it goes without saying that I only recommend the appreciation part if it’s true. Otherwise just don’t say it.
I really appreciate you – and I have decided to spend this weekend / holiday season differently.
This is still appreciative – and it will definitely invite questions as to the how and why. The reason being that it seems there is a topic behind the topic (of the weekend). It’s probably also a discussion that needs to be addressed, and that might take some time. Pick a good time for a potentially emotional talk.
Same reasoning as above on the appreciation part - only mention it if you mean it.
No – because I don’t like how our family events go.
Definitely open and honest! Quick question: did you want to be in the hot sport for change? Be prepared for a (slightly) stormy exchange. And good for you for bringing it out in the open.
Btw - I’ve tested this for you. It does work, even if you might want to limit contact for some time. Oops ;-) You’re welcome!
No – because I don’t want to spend this time with a group of people that …
(seem forced to me / don’t respect me / insert whatever reason for your decision that you might want featured in your communication).
In this case, it’s probably high time to have a discussion – or not. If you feel that ship has sailed, you may also want to consider just putting it out there and moving on with discussing further. In any case, pick a good time if you do want the discussion. This might take some time.
Feel free to comment more variations of how to get out of those family events below!
PS Everything on boundaries can be found here
Here’s more on boundaries
Let’s be honest: Nobody is going to give a medal either for NOT setting boundaries. It’s likely that while you revel in the feeling of being universally liked, people will subtly first and then not so secretly be walking all over your place. Ascertaining your place (in the world) aka setting boundaries means making the space for you and your personal development.
If you want to pursue the path of setting boundaries – how do you do it?