40 ways of saying NO - Step 8: the final how-to (for now)
Boundaries need communication and practice …
Any pop culture references that you find are purely coincidental and yours to keep – You’re welcome!
Basically, we’ve spent quite some time exploring various scenarios. Why? And what to do with them? And what if you feel there are no medals to be won by setting boundaries?
Let’s be honest: Nobody is going to give a medal either for NOT setting boundaries. It’s likely that while you revel in the feeling of being universally liked, people will subtly first and then not so secretly be walking all over your place. Ascertaining your place (in the world) aka setting boundaries means making the space for you and your personal development.
As a small aside for those of us that have been conditioned to people-please: I know it’s hard to feel as if you’re not being liked. So maybe consider this: are you being liked for who you are (with boundaries and your place in the world) or who you pretend to be? And which do you prefer? No judgement from my side, if you don’t want to set boundaries – you do you!
If you want to pursue the path of setting boundaries – how do you do it?
First of all – start small! As with everything, you are starting to change habits, and that will take time and practice.
Be prepared. By looking through the examples and scenarios, you’ll also find some hints on where it would be helpful to have some information (for deflection purposes) at hand.
Be firm and clear. You don’t need to be aggressively so, and you won’t need excessive explanations. In fact, these might (and probably will) weaken your boundaries.
Say what you need or actually say NO! No laying crumbs that the other person will have to find out – you’re on a level playing field and this might actually come across as majorly disrespectful.
Be prepared for (temporary) discomfort and be prepared to stand it. Guilt, fear, grief, regret, and awkwardness also on your side are perfectly normal!
Silence is a great tool! You don’t need to discuss. Your boundaries are not up for negotiation!
So what can we expect happening? Be mentally prepared for
Shock – especially if you have not been known for setting boundaries in the first place.
Some people may be “difficult” in willing to test your boundaries (it’s a process).
Give people time to get used to your boundaries and don’t relinquish and compromise them during that time.
Stick to your own rules and boundaries, which means no overstepping them.
One important piece after you have defied your own boundaries is communicating them (and there is more on that topic here). Here are some tipps:
Centre around your own needs: “I need” – “I want” – “I do expect” – etc.
Starting your case in the age-old towel/toothpaste style (“you always leave… or “you never do…”) is confrontational and puts the other person immediately in a defensive mode.
It’s also easily disproven by finding that ONE example where the in fact the opposite did happen.
So stick to yourself, your boundaries, and your expectations around them. I know, this is difficult, and we’ve probably all fallen into the “you always…”-trap at least once. Hej, we’re human after all.
It does bear repeating: Setting boundaries does not harm a healthy relationship – be it professional ones, friendships, family, or romantic ones. If you feel that it does, that’s actually a red flag and a clear sign to reflect on and reconsider hat relationship!
Another thing that needs to be said: Your boundaries ARE NOT:
Common sense
Intuitive
Easily recognisable
Nobody can guess at boundaries if you don’t talk about them. Boundaries are based on how you were raised, and the experiences you made. They NEED to be communicated openly and without reproach!
Choosing what to do in depth is totally overrated. It implies a level of control over (your) life you likely won’t achieve. Choosing what NOT TO DO – that’s actually feasible. And that’s where boundaries come in as they define what not to do for you and the people in your life.
And lastly: Saying NO to others implies saying YES to yourself!
PS Everything on boundaries can be found here
Here’s more on boundaries
Let’s be honest: Nobody is going to give a medal either for NOT setting boundaries. It’s likely that while you revel in the feeling of being universally liked, people will subtly first and then not so secretly be walking all over your place. Ascertaining your place (in the world) aka setting boundaries means making the space for you and your personal development.
If you want to pursue the path of setting boundaries – how do you do it?