The only way is onwards – in most cases
There is only one direction available today.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
Do you get nostalgic from time to time? Or even often? Would you like to stay in the here and now forever? Or even in a point somewhere in the past?
Well. I don’t quite know to say this diplomatically: Time is relentless. It moves in only one direction. And that is forward and onward. The rail to yesterday has been disrupted, there is no reversing.
So what is the good news, I hear you asking. Because yesterday may sound way better than how today is going. And I you don’t even want to know what tomorrow will bring.
Here’s the thing: yesterday is done. There is no changing any small notion. And if you feel comfortable and perfect about yesterday – congrats. Most people don’t. Maybe they would have liked to avoid a situation. Or gone back and not hurt that person. Or have a better repartee to their colleague. Or not have foregone that ice cream [yep, its summer. Sue me].
To all those who think that yesterday was ok-ish, but not newsworthy: today and tomorrow and every day in the future offer the chance to reframe your experience. To try different things. Talk to that friend that you haven’t heard from in quite some time. Have a cold beverage instead of cleaning house. Read that book. Look at the job offerings. Learn a new language. Practice new behaviours.
Personally, I think that’s way more exciting.
Comfortable and well-known can get old pretty fast, and I assume it will feel like groundhog day rather quickly, too. And I think it is only an illusion: you will wake up and be a day older. And probably have a day’s worth of additional experience. Which will probably not be the same experience than the person next to you. So if you refuse to move, you will increase the distance from you to the next person from day to day and the effort to stay in that perfect moment will get bigger and bigger. It seems as if you are holding on to that one little island in a river that’s moving around you and growing, too. Wouldn’t you rather use that energy on learning to swim instead of holding on?
So when people ask me if they HAVE to embrace change: my first answer is usually – wouldn’t you want to be able to swim instead of being swept away?
Now the question is: What does it need to learn swimming?
As a coach, I think here is a profound difference between reliving past experience and reflecting on it.
The former makes you dive right back in – emotionally especially. You will literally relive it, and it’s highly likely that you would not come to a different outcome. Why – because you are you with your emotions, and you will probably end up taking the same course of action. That’s not anything to be worried about, that’s human nature. You have your experiences and likely also your triggers and they will lead you back to what seemed right. Unless you sought out a therapist already to actively work on those, your emotions will influence your actions.
I hear you asking, so what can we do to get past that? I hear you – it can be done through reflection for mentally healthy adult people. And that’s what we will also do in coaching. You will not go back into the situation emotionally. Instead you will look on your experience with caring detachment – if and when it’s helpful. It’s not always beneficial to dwell on the past, yet it can help to find solutions for current or future topics. If for example you’re contemplating trying something new, it can help to look at the past with a specific focus: “Have you ever been in a similar situation?” – “If so, what has helped you, what have you learned?” – “Which advice would past you give to present and future you?”
Instead of living in your past experience you are drawing from it the bits that are helpful and leaving the not so helpful parts where they belong – behind you, out of sight.
Here’s more on change…
I totally get how paying a compliment will make us feel better – us as the ones paying the compliment. And I also get how the assumption comes about that the recipient will feel better, too. After all, we are full of good intentions – and intend to “spread the love and positivity”.
How do we make sure that the recipient will indeed feel the love - and not resentment, anger or worse? Let's find out!